Priorities

I’ve been down to London a lot lately. I’ll be down a few more times this week. £££…

The good thing about travelling on the train is that it gives you a lot of time to reflect and think. I took my notepad out and started listing my priorities, and broke each of my activities/responsibilities/associations into one or more of the following categories:

1. Honours God (G)

2. Benefits myself (M)

3. My commitments (C)

4. Benefits others (O)

5. Pleasure/Fun (P)

After listing everything down by order of importance, I created another list. On this, I listed them all out again according to how much time I spend with each of them. The differences between the two lists were phenomenal..

In reality, my priorities were: P>C>O>M>G, almost the entire opposite from what it should be - G>M>C>O>P

It’s really discouraging to look at them both. I feel like shit.. seriously. I was about to make another list to see how I spend my money, and how far it deviates from my priorities, but I don’t feel like it. Not just yet.. I’m not ready to face it.

It’s so difficult to confront and acknowledge my weaknesses and failures! Yet I must. I need to move forward. I need to change. So help me God!!

Swirling in the drum

It’s 2:40am and I can’t sleep. I find my mind shifting constantly from one thought to another. I try to backtrack to find the link between them, only to allow the current thought to slip.

Two signs I gather from this – one, that my mind is rusty, and I need to sharpen it. I should be able to hold several thoughts/ideas in my mind at a time and piece them together. This is really an unhealthy sign. Two, I have not been thinking enough. If I actually did, my mind would be too exhausted to backpack all around the world at this ungodly hour.

I’ve been thinking about life as a whole, about what I could do for a living in the future, about who I could end up spending the rest of my life with… I must admit, I feel rejuvenated. A dear friend once told me that it’s alright to spend time getting lost with myself, and that such time is never gone to waste. True? Perhaps.

I think in my scenario though, the situation’s a bit different. I often find myself deeply convicted about something I need to get done – like scoring well in my studies, or writing an article or song. The first thing I always do is think; therein lies the problem.

Instead of serving as an appetiser to the main meal, my thinking feeds. I find I get satisfied so easily from thinking that I lose the hunger for getting things done.

My thoughts (or dreams?) can be filled with details like real characters, intelligent dialogue, and emotions with striking depth. On top of that, the storyline’s always more fascinating and satisfying than real life. In my mind, I am always the man of the match, the good student, and the nobel-prize-winner-to-be. In actual life, I’m struggling to not be average.

I dream too well for my own good. Shite.

As for now, I think the drum has stopped spinning. It’s time to take the clothes out for drying. Hmm, or maybe I’ll just pop a few more coins in.

Practice Makes Perfect

I’ve come to realise that I haven’t really been writing much, and I find it progressively harder to hold and develop thoughts in the written form.

It’s so true that practice makes perfect, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to write, even if it’s just a little bit. I think I’ve been too careful with my writing, so afraid of sounding stupid and being judged, and it’s only doing me more harm than good. My writing and the quality of thoughts expressed hasn’t improved much over the past 2 years, which really is a shame, given the amount of exposure I’ve had since starting my university days here in Essex. There is still so much to learn about life and the world, and about writing too. And so, I will write.

I liken this to recording myself performing a song, or practicing a speech in front of the mirror. I need to record my thoughts somewhere to evaluate them, and to develop them further. Plus, I hope that this will serve as a marker in my book of life, so I will no longer find myself flipping hard to find the page about life at a younger age.

If you happen to read this blog, I urge you not to judge, and to be patient with me. Help me with my thoughts, as you nurture yours too.

I hope my little thoughts will grow in maturity and understanding, and that ultimately they will move beyond the realm of ideas into making a positive difference in life as we know it.